if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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