just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
