Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
