don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
