listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize