why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
