I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
