I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
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He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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