you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
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He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
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DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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