I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
