My hand turned me down
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
