how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
