I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My hand turned me down
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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