i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
