We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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