ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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