I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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