you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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