I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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