what day is it and did you see me today?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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