doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
it's great music for shaving your balls
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
