Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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