just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
