life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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