Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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