she woke up with a sticky ear
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
