stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
