On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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