So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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