Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
