he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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