we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
