is your mom at the bar?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
