All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
be right there i have to get my cape
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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