made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
