I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
