wanna go halves on a baby?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
