his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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