Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
