one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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