I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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