if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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