i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
