Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
