I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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