Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize