I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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