I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
