Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm like, not good at living.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
