You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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