Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
