we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
