so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I faked an abortion last night.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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