There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
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I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
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DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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