I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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