Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
