I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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