i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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