nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
